How does it like to be depressed? Probably I will never know.
I know I am not depressed, I'm just pessimistic.
18 December 2017, Jonghyun killed himself because of depression.
Depression does kill.
When back few years ago, I was kind of skeptic of people killing themselves, thinking that they are too dumb, too coward to stay alive.
But now, I think suicide maybe is one of the way to end their sufferings.
Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problem. - A statement I saw in twitter while I was scrolling on JH's news. I know suicide is morally and religiously wrong. But to those who are in depression, the problem that make them suffer, does not sound like temporary to me, and will not be temporary to them.
It must be so hard to Jonghyun to go through this life, that made him make this choice. I think he planned it. He just had his own solo concert 10 days ago. He must be very tired.
Until now, it was still quite hard for me to believe that he is gone. It will be harder for SHINee's fans and most for his bias fans. To the fans that went to his concert recently, it could be really hard to cope with this roller coaster feeling. Looking at his smiling photo on his funeral, it is so heartbreaking.
I feel so sad and I shed tears reading the tweets and posts. I am not a fan of Shinee or him, I was in "the field" few years back, as a kpop fans and Cassies. How would I not know about them and him? I paid very less attention to him, compared to his other members. Little to know that he is no good because he always looks optimistic. I didn't know much about him until yesterday, because I didn't watch his shows, or even listening to his songs. I never heard of his own solo songs, and I feel sorry for that. I was skeptic, and I didn't actually take one step forward to know more about him or them.
From the posts I saw online, it was so heartbreaking that the lyrics and music he wrote are hints of him in depression. They are gloomy, and gloomier after his death. From some clips that I watched in different posts, I feel connected with the lyrics. And, I am sorry for knowing him this late. He is talented, really talented.
종현아... 수고했다! 사랑해 미안해...
I know how it feels like when it seems so dark and you couldn't see the end. Somehow, I can understand. Maybe I care too less, so I didnt fell in depression. He cared a lot. He is kind, he is bright yet dark inside, he is hardworking...
It's so sad that I can't get over this sadness. He was so young, one year older than me, have brighter future, have left so many works for this world, and yet, he chose to leave. I questioned myself, why am I still alive, living like everyone, doing nothing but harming this planet in everyway. He has dreams, vivid and he worked really hard towards it. But I don't. He gives hope to fans, and I don't give any contributions to anyone. Why must be him? Why choose him?
I don't blame his suicide, I am relieved if it is really what he wanted and needed. He did well, and worked hard enough to have himself do that decision. I am not saying that suicide is good, but it maybe will set him free from what's inside him that torturing him.
I am not a fan, I am sad, and I don't even have the courage to listen to his songs yet. I'm afraid I will cry.
There are haters in everywhere saying everything bad about this incidents and all fandoms. Because they are in their nice little world, have different kinds of spiritual sustenances. But, in fandom, these idols gave us hope, and something to hold on to, in any ways. They gave me friends, some very very close friends which we started our friendships because of Kpop. Now, none of us are in fandom anymore, but we are really close. Without kpop, I think I will not have any friends because of my personality. Without kpop, I probably will not know them although we are in the same school. Without kpop, maybe I will fall into the same dark pit as him. To those haters, he might be a no one to you, but to fans, he is definitely someone, and important. They loved him for years. Loving him and cared about him, and grieves for him does not make one less care about other things. Trending news, or tweets are trending because he has so many fans that love him.
I wish I could give him a hug. To see one who smiled a lot, and now lying cold. It's just unbearable.
Goodbye Jong Hyun, the vocalist, the artist and the musicians. YOU DID WELL.
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As what I posted in SoulApp few days ago, stating that this world is selfish. Indeed, people always tend to care about themselves, and seldom put attentions to what's happening around them. For me, most of the time when I tell or vent about my problems, what I get back is them telling me back their problems. It's frustrating for me,a pessimist, to ask them listen to me, because I tend to wait for them to realise that I really had problems. But most of the times, they don't. I need a listener.
I am a good listener, but I am not good in expressing words and what's in my mind. It made me feel terrible, especially during my terminated-master study. It's ok for me to study a lot, but it's hard when your lecturer is not helping because talking to him is like talking to someone from another world. Probably we are not in the same frequency, or I am the weirdo.
Maybe Jonghyun could not wait more longer to find his listener. He is desperate and devastated. Even his doctor fails him. How hopeless it is when a depressive pessimist heard from a specialist, that you became depressive because of your personality? How could a doctor said something so irresponsible?
When friends are not helping, medication and doctor are useless, how hopeless it is to him to stay in this cold world. Would it be better if someone stay beside him 24/7? Maybe the answer is not, because depression doesn't give any hope and happiness to you.
Probably to leave this world is the only way he can sort out, to set himself free......
Jonghyun ah... Are you happy right now?
